The Prank
by dabbling
Summary: Practical jokes and revenge culminate in a disastrous dinner.
1. Chapter 1

The Prank

It was the moment he'd been waiting for. The entire family was finally sound asleep. Even Pa's snoring could be heard from the room across the hall. Little Joe slipped out of bed and put his house shoes on.

When Walt had told him about it, he'd said the water had to be the same temperature as the person's arm. Little Joe snuck down into the kitchen and heated up a pot of water. He then spent a good twenty minutes mixing the hot with cold until he felt he'd finally reached the right temperature. Chuckling to himself, he poured the warm water into a basin and tiptoed with it to Hoss' room.

Hoss was sleeping soundly, on his side with both arms dangling limply in front of him. Little Joe placed the basin of water on the floor and held his breath as he carefully picked up his brothers arm and set it down slowly in the water.

Hoss' eyes flew open in horror and he bolted out of bed. Joe saw the wet spot near his groin and began to cackle with pleasure. Hoss, still half asleep, realized that the mishap was due to his little brother. He tackled Joe and they crashed against the dresser heavily.

Both Ben and Adam raced into the room. "What in tarnation!" Ben cried as he and his oldest worked to pry the two apart. When they saw the condition of Hoss' night clothes, he flushed crimson with embarrassment. In spite of the fact that Hoss had nearly killed him, Joe still giggled with satisfaction. Angrily, Ben shoved his youngest out of the room.

Adam turned to Hoss, but could think of nothing he could say that wouldn't just increase his brother's embarrassment. Quietly, he turned and stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him.

* * *

When he heard Joe's steps on the stairs, Hoss pushed his chair back from the table. "I've got work to do," he mumbled. As soon as Joe reached the table, Hoss headed for the door. Adam glared at his youngest brother and followed, leaving Joe at the breakfast table alone with his father.

He cleared his throat. "G'mornin', Pa."

"Good morning," Ben said, obviously not in a good mood. "I suppose you would think this is a good morning."

Silently, Joe poured himself a cup of coffee.

"I don't suppose you have an explanation for last night?"

"Well, Pa, Walt told me that he heard if you put somebody's wrist in warm water, it makes them pee the bed, so of course I had to find out if it was true." Glancing at his Pa, Joe thought if it were possible, smoke would be emanating from the man's ears. He lost some of his confidence. "Well... I guess... I didn't HAVE to find out..."

Ben grunted. "Well, young man, you are going to be responsible for buying your brother a new mattress. You'll go to Virginia City today and order it."

"Yessir," Little Joe mumbled.

"And it might be prudent for you to think up a very good apology."

"Yessir."

* * *

"You know what will make you feel better, Hoss?" He didn't wait for his brother to answer the question. "Revenge." Hoss halted his horse and Adam rode up beside him, where he also stopped. "What Little Joe did to you was inexcusable. If you ask me, he needs to be put in his place."

"Pa'll make him do somethin'."

"Sure, he will. But it won't be enough. You know all Joe has to do is give Pa that look, and whatever his intentions, Joe'll be skipping free and easy before the day's out."

Hoss brought his eyes up to his brother's.

"I have an idea. I'll even help you with it."

Slowly, Hoss lifted his head. "Let's hear it."

* * *

So it was, that at 2:00 in the morning, Hoss and Adam snuck into Little Joe's bedroom with a glass jar filled with fire ants.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Ben was awakened at 5 a.m. by all sorts of grunting and flapping noises. He got out of bed and stepped into the hall, listening carefully. The sounds were coming from Joe's room. Ben opened the door in time to see Joe ripping his nightshirt off and brushing himself frantically.

"Get 'em off! Get 'em off!" He screamed.

Not sure what he was supposed to be getting off of his son, Ben stepped forward and began brushing his back for him. Then he noticed the angry red spots starting on the boy's back and side, and as he looked, he saw them all over his youngest boy.

He sent Joe to his own room and lifted the corner of the wadded up bedsheet. To his horror, he counted 6 angry fireants. He threw down the sheet and lifted the blanket, which was now near the head of the bed. More ants. Frowning, he walked around the bed, and there on the floor was a jar, empty but for some red dirt.

Carefully, Ben wrapped up the bed linens and Joe's nightshirt. He carried them downstairs quickly and threw them in the yard outside. With a heavy sigh and a frown, he plodded back into the house and upstairs.

* * *

"Stop scratching, Joe, you'll only make it worse." Ben sat in his usual spot, at the head of the table.

"It can't be any worse, Pa. Trust me, I know." Little Joe squirmed in his seat and continued rubbing his fingertips against his numerous bites. Splotches of a white paste were visible on his face, neck, and the open part of his shirt revealed the same on his chest.

"After breakfast, we'll put some more of that paste on them."

"It ain't workin', Pa."

"Mornin', Pa, Joe," Adam said cooly, settling into his chair at the table.

"Adam," replied his father.

Joe didn't say anything, just continued scratching.

"What's the matter with you?" Adam asked innocently.

Joe's nostrils flared, and he scratched his shoulder vigorously as he spoke. "That brother of ours filled my bed with fire ants last night!"

Adam stared a moment, then a smile crept across his face. "You don't say," he said.

"Yeah, and just wait till I get my hands on him!" He paused to scratch at a new spot. "I'll knock him right into next week!"

"Aw, c'mon, Joe, cool down."

"Cool down? I wish I could! Maybe these dadblamed things'd stop itchin' me so much!"

Adam chuckled.

"What are you laughin' at?!"

"Joseph, eat your breakfast," Ben interjected.

"Well, I can't say as I blame him," Adam said as he buttered his toast.

Joe dropped his forkful of eggs. "All right, so I did something I shouldn't have. But that was over as soon as it happened! I'm gonna be," he reached his hand into his shirt and scratched his back, "itchin' like this for days!"

Adam smiled, shrugged and continued eating.

"Joseph, stop that scratching!"

"I can't, Pa!"

"You can and you will. Eat your food before it gets cold."

With great effort, Joe lowered his hands and concentrated on his meal. Hoss finally descended the stairs and joined them. "Mornin', Pa," he said as he sat down.

Joe scowled at him and fought back the urge to scratch at a thousand different places. His brother was oblivious, though. He just loaded his plate like he always did, and then filled his coffee cup and began eating.

When he reached for the sugar, he noticed Joe staring at him with that peculiar look on his face. "Somethin' wrong, Joe?" he asked between bites of food.

Joe's nostrils flared again. He glanced quickly at his father, then back at Hoss. "No. Nothing. Why?" he said shortly.

"Well, Joe, you look just a little... piqued about somethin'."

"Oh, I can't stand it any more!" Joe cried. He stood from the table, turned away and scratched himself furiously. Upon hearing his brothers' laughter, he stumbled back up the stairs, still scratching.

Finally, the two quieted down and were met my their father's disapproving gaze. "I understand the motive behind this little... prank, but... I am quite displeased with it. Hoss, you of all people, hurting your brother like that!"

"Well, what about how he hurt me, Pa?!"

"That was different. One night's embarrassment, that's all."

"One night. Sure, one night. Until he gets the chance to go to town and blab it to all his friends. He'd probably even tell the ladies!"

Ben frowned and stood angrily. He set his napkin down on the table and held an accusing finger on the two boys. "This is the end of it, you hear me? I mean it!"

Both Hoss and Adam looked down in shame, just like when they were teens. Satisfied, Ben went upstairs to reapply the paste to Little Joe's skin.

* * *

Joe had always been allergic to bug bites, and ants were no exception. Each bite mark swelled angrily and itched so badly that nothing they tried would keep him from scratching. Now, three days later, his body was riddled with marks and scabs, the same as if he'd had the pox. As he flopped his saddle onto the wall of the stable, he stopped to scratch again.

At first, Hoss had enjoyed his revenge, but as the days wore on, he found it harder and harder to hold his head up. "Let me get your saddle for you, Joe," he offered.

Joe was taken aback. This was the first kind thing his brother had said to him since... since before the first night. "Sure, brother," he said, and smiled nervously. "You mind if I ask what's made you so... friendly all of a sudden?"

As he polished the saddle, Hoss shook his head slightly. "Joe, well, I'm sorry. I never meant for you to be sufferin' so. Fact is, it was all Adam's idea. I'da been just as happy to knock you one in the jaw and call it even, but he had to come along and talk to me about puttin' you in your place and all that, and-"

Little Joe came around and gripped Hoss by the shoulders. "Did you say this was all... Adam's... idea?"

"Well, yeah, Joe. He said you'd gone too far, and-"

Joe set his jaw. "That sneakin', lowdown, smelly, weasel!" A brief glimmer came into the younger man's eye, but Hoss did not see it. Joe did his best to look penitent. "Hoss, I'm really sorry about what I did. There was no call for it. I hope you'll forgive me." He held out his hand for his brother to shake, which he did.

"Only if you'll do the same for me."

"Of course I forgive you. I understand," Joe said. As they dropped the handshake, Joe lifted his hand to scratch the back of his neck. "Hoss?"

"Yeah, Joe?"

"Do you ever wonder why Adam always sticks his nose where it don't belong?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Morning, Adam," Ben said from over his morning newspaper.

"Mornin', Pa." Adam seated himself and began serving his plate.

"Oh, Pa," Hoss began, "I forgot to tell you that Miss Lily Ann was in town yesterday. I invited her and her Ma up for supper tonight."

"Oh?" Ben said with interest. The boys knew that Adam had an interest in Lily Ann, but they didn't know that their father had an interest in her beautiful mother, Martha. "Did you remember to tell Hop Sing?"  
"Dadburnit, you're right, Pa, I'd best do that." Hoss shoved his chair away from the table and took a step towards the kitchen.

"Pa?" Adam asked, "Do you think we could have some of that Burgundy with dinner? The '42?" Hoss shot a quick glance at Joe and hurriedly left the room.

Ben smiled. "I think that's a wonderful idea." He folded up his paper. "Well, if we've got company tonight, we've a lot of work to do! Finish your breakfast, boys, and let's get to work!"

"Lily Ann! You are a vision of loveliness," Adam said, kissing her hand. He helped her down from the carriage and escorted her into the house, pausing long enough for her to greet his brothers.

"Good evening, Ben. Thank you for the invitation," Martha said.

Ben smiled and took her hand. "I'm honored you could come." He helped her out of the carriage and placed her hand in the crook of his arm, patting it warmly. They went inside.

Once inside, Ben greeted Lily Ann and gestured to the cushioned chairs. "Please, ladies, have a seat." They complied. Adam sat on the stones of the hearth, nearest to the young lady. He reached for his tie, then on second thought, left it alone.

"How are things in town?" The patriarch asked.

"Same as always, I suppose," Martha answered. "Lily Ann had some excitement earlier this week, though."

"Oh?" Adam said with interest.

"Oh, Adam, it was awful!" She playfully slapped at his leg with her delicate hand and he grinned. "I was just about to close up Mama's shop when I heard this horrible wailing coming from behind the counter. I stopped in place and listened... my heart was really racing!"

Her audience was rapt, leaning forward, muscles tensed, hanging on her every word. Lily Ann paused to look each person in the eye. "The sound came again, and I nearly jumped out of my skin! I reached for the broom, and taking it up in my hands like a club, I tiptoed around to the back of the counter..." She demonstrated her posture to them all. "There was nothing there!" She said. "Or so I thought! There was a box behind the counter, and I thought maybe whatever it was might be down behind that box, so I reached down, and-" she stopped and looked at them all. Her eyes widened. "I was right! Just as I moved the box, this stray cat came screeching at me! I jumped out of its way and it tore through the store like lightning! The place was a shambles after that!"

Everyone laughed. They were interrupted by Hop Sing's polite call to dinner. As they approached the table, Adam snapped his fingers. "Oh, Pa, we forgot the wine!"

"I'll get it!" Joe volunteered a little too quickly. He glanced nervously at Hoss before he stepped into the kitchen. Hoss waited patiently until his father and brother had seated the ladies, and then eased down into his own chair.

"You certainly set a beautiful table, Ben," Martha said, admiring the food before her.

"It's all Hop Sing, I can assure you. If the cooking were up to me, we'd have nothing more than scrambled eggs and burnt toast, I can assure you!"

They laughed politely, and Joe appeared with two bottles of wine. He placed one very near Adam, and the other near his Pa, then sat down. The group said a quick prayer, and then began serving their plates. "Joe, did you get the bottle from the back of the cellar?"

"Both of these came from the back of the cellar, Adam. I put them there myself."

"Good, they won't be quite so warm."

"How 'bout I pour you a glass of that, brother?"

"Thanks, Joe." Adam sat back and watched his brother open the bottle and slowly fill his wine glass. Hoss hurriedly reached for the other bottle and filled the glasses of the ladies and Ben. With the small amount that was left, he poured a drop into Joe's glass and then into his own.

"We may need another bottle. I'll just go after that one I set aside," Adam announced and pushed out his chair.

"I'll get it, brother," Joe said, shoving his chair out so quickly that it scraped loudly on the floor.

"It's back behind the apples," Adam said. "You know, the ones on the left side."

"But that's where I got these from," Joe said. "I didn't see another bottle in there."

"It's pretty dark down there. You probably just missed it. I can go get it."

"N-no," Joe said, suddenly worried that he had confused the tainted bottle with the good one. "I'll do it."

As he walked past his Pa, the man raised his glass. "A toast," he began, "to dear friends." Just as he was about to lead the group in a drink, Joe pitched forward, knocking the glass out of his father's hand and sending wine flying everywhere, including Martha's dress.

"I'm so sorry, Pa, ladies," Joe said, quickly sopping up what he could of the wine with the nearest napkin.

Ben glared at Joe, trying to clean up the mess, as well.

"Mother, we'd best do something about your dress," Lily Ann urged.

"Yes, you're right."

"There's a pump in the kitchen, just go right in there," Ben suggested. The Cartwrights stood awkwardly as the ladies left the room. The four of them finished sopping up the spilled wine, and then Joe stood. "I'll just go get some fresh bottles," Joe said nervously.

Hoss, keenly observing his younger brother's behavior, knew something had gone wrong. "I'll help you," he said and the two quickly departed. They went out through the front door, so as not to disturb the ladies in the kitchen.

Once in the cellar, Hoss grabbed Joe by the shirt. "What's the matter with you, anyhow?"

Joe gulped. "I got mixed up. I thought maybe I gave the bad wine to Pa, after all. If Adam came down here and moved things around, there's no telling what happened to the one we meant for him."

"What are we gonna do?!" Hoss asked in a panic.

Joe smiled and clapped his brother on the arms. "Don't worry. I should be able to tell from the seal on the bottle if it's the one I put the tea in."

"How come you couldn't tell at the table, then?"

Joe frowned, and he smiled miserably. "I forgot to look." With that, he groped his way over to the barrel of apples and began feeling around on the ground behind it. "Got it." He brought the bottle out to the doorway, where he and Hoss both looked at it with interest.

"Is that the one, Joe?"

"I can't tell, you're in my light. Move, already!"

Hoss took a step back and Joe held the bottle up to the fading light in the evening sky. "Is that the one?"

Joe frowned. "No."

"That's good, then, ain't it? It's gotta be on the table."

"But what if I got 'em mixed up?" Joe turned to his brother. "Hoss, when you opened that other one, was the cork all the way in, ya think?"

Hoss screwed up his face in deep thought. He scratched his head. "I think so... Dadburnit, Joe, I don't know! How'd you talk me into this anyhow!" He folded his arms angrily for a moment, and then his eyes grew wide. "Joe, if you gave me the wrong bottle, then I gave the bad wine to..."

"The girls!" They shouted in unison.

"Aw, c'mon!" Joe cried, gathering two new bottles of wine and rushing back to the house.

In the front entryway, both men stopped and tried to calm themselves. They walked into the dining room smoothly, as if nothing were wrong. Hop Sing, Ben, and Adam had replaced the soiled tablecloth, and it looked as if nothing had gone wrong. Just as they were about to sit down, the ladies returned.

"Everything all right?" Ben asked apologetically.

"It's just a small stain," Martha said, dismissing the accident.

The group sat back down to eat. "I'll just refill the glasses," Joe announced. Hoss stood and took the bottle from across the table. "I better do that, little brother. We've had enough mishaps for one night."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Joe settled back into his chair and Hoss took the empty wine glass from his Pa and refilled the glass. He sat back down, and the group began to eat. Hoss tucked his napkin carefully into the top of his pants, or so it seemed.

"As I was saying," Ben said. "To dear friends."

Joe jumped out of his chair with his wine glass raised. "I'll second that!" He gave Hoss a pleading look, since Hoss was sitting nearer the women. Everyone stood but Hoss. He looked around as if he hadn't realized what was happening and jumped to his feet.

This action yanked the tablecloth, neatly tucked into his waistband with his napkin, up and towards Hoss. The serving bowls and plates all turned, spilling food this way and that. Hoss' plan had been a success, but his embarrassment was genuine. His face and neck flushed red, and he hurriedly freed the tablecloth from his body.

Ben was fuming. In deference to the ladies, he held his tongue. "Hoss, perhaps you should go get Hop Sing. Your brothers and I will take the ladies to the other room until you can reset the table."

"Yessir, good idea. I'm terribly sorry, ladies," he muttered as he stepped around Martha. To Joe's dismay, the group carried their wine glasses with them into the living room.

For the third time, Ben raised his glass. "To very dear... and forgiving... friends," he said and they all moved towards each other to clink the glasses.

"And to..." Joe spoke loudly, "the glorious gift of beauty, " he said and cleared his throat, "for we have been blessed with that gift twofold tonight." Everyone leaned forward again, and Joe raised his voice. "For beauty, the kind we behold here tonight, is not something often beheld in the life of a ranch." The women smiled and again began to move forward.

"And to family," Joe began again. "I know I don't talk about it much, Pa, Adam... Hoss, can you hear me?" Hoss nodded from the dining room, where he was helping Hop Sing with the mess. "I know I don't talk about it much, but sometimes, when I'm talking with the men in the bunkhouse, and I hear about how they grew up alone sometimes, or in families where they were always wanting for something, I really appreciate what I have here, with you. To my family," Joe said again.

Ben smiled and reached his glass toward Martha's. "And Pa, especially to you," Joe started again. Ben looked at his son with exasperation. "You've always been there for me, even when I didn't think I needed it. You're the best father a man could have. You-"

Adam reached down and placed his glass on the coffee table. He reached over to Lily Ann and lowered her glass, as well.

"What are you doin'?" Joe asked.

"Well, I thought I'd take Miss Lily Ann to the International House. At least there, we won't starve to death waiting for the toast to come to an end." The girl covered her giggle with her hand as Adam's hand led her out the front door.

Ben chuckled and quickly clinked glasses with Martha. Just as she held the glass to her lips, Joe threw the contents of his own glass on her skirt. Rushing over to help her, he took her glass from her and dropped it to the floor, where it shattered. His sense of relief was so great that he hardly felt his Pa's firm grip on his collar, yanking him back and shoving him towards the settee.

Ben tended to Martha, full of embarrassment and apology, and escorted her out to the carriage, where they joined Adam and Lily Ann. The ladies insisted on going back to town without an escort, and after a few minutes the men went back into the house.

When Ben entered, the very air in the room felt like lead. "Would one of you mind telling me..." He glared at his two youngest sons... "just what is going on here?!" With his final words, his voice became thunderous.

Joe shrunk backwards, away from his father. Hoss stood in the dining room, as close to the wall as he could get. Hop Sing complained in Chinese and carried the dishes back into the kitchen.

"WELL?!"

Adam folded his arms and rested against the desk in the office.

"It was all his idea," Hoss said, jerking a thumb at Little Joe.

Joe recovered from the fear of his Pa's wrath long enough to bristle. "Whattaya mean, it was my idea?!"

"It was, Joe, you're the one who started talkin' about how Adam's always stickin' his nose where it don't belong!"

Adam tilted his head and raised his hand to his chin, listening with interest.

"Yeah, but you're the one who started talkin' about that tea Hop Sing makes that makes ya-" He stopped and glanced at his Pa. "makes ya... sick," he ended weakly.

"But I wouldn't even a said nothin' if you hadn't said we should get Adam back!"

At this point, the two brothers moved closer together and began arguing in earnest, each talking at once. Ben walked over to them and stared, hands on his hips, until they both stood stock still, shamefully quiet.

Ben Cartwright took a long, deep breath. "I distinctly remember telling you... children... that all this prankster business was over with." He glared at each son in turn. "Joseph, you started this business and now you are going to finish it. You owe each man in this house an apology, to start with. After that, you'll be working on the blacksmithing."

Joe's face fell. He hated working iron. Especially in summer.

"Hoss, you too, owe a round of apologies. Once that is finished, you will set yourself to work in my office, balancing the books."

Hoss hung his head. Working on the books was like being forced to go to school again. Cooped up for God knows how long, wishing for a breath of fresh air... he shoved his hands in his pockets angrily.

"Well, what about him?!" Joe cried, pointing an accusing finger at Adam.

Adam stood up straight and tried to maintain an innocent look.

"What do you mean?" Ben asked. It would not be the first time that his eldest had conspired to wreak havoc amongst his younger brothers.

"Tell him, Hoss!"

Ben looked to his middle son. Hoss cleared his throat. "The thing with the ants, Pa? That was Adam's idea."

Ben turned on his heel and glared at his oldest boy.

"Well, Pa, Joe went too far! He had to be punished."

Ben frowned even further. "Adam, for the next two weeks, you'll find yourself working the timber.

"And another thing," he continued, this time addressing all three boys. "The lot of you will apologise to Martha and Lily Ann, and you will purchase them both new dresses, and you will each offer to take them both out to dinner at your own expense, at their convenience."

His face turned red with anger as another thought popped into his head. "And," he shouted, "You will order and pay for another case of Burgundy Wine!"

Ben's boots smacked hard against the floor as he stormed to the door.

"Where you goin', Pa?"

"Virginia City." He grumbled. "Where a man can eat dinner without fear of being poisoned. Hop Sing!" He cried.

"Yes, Missa Cartlite?"

"Come with me. We're going for some dinner."

Hop Sing grinned and hurried to join Ben at the door. "Kitchen need big cleaning. All food need put away. Dishes wash, linens clean."

"I'll expect that done by the time we get back," Ben said to the boys, and he and his cook walked out the door.

The three boys walked into the living room and each man flopped into a seat.

"Blacksmithing," Joe grumbled.

"Books," Hoss said worriedly.

Adam sighed, "Timber."

They sat in silent misery for several minutes. Then Joe stood up, a look of indignance on his face. "What if we refuse to do it?! We're grown men, he can't make us do anything!" Adam and Hoss shared a look of hopelessness, shook their heads, and stood. "What?!" Joe cried as they approached him. "What?" he said again, as he felt them grip each arm and drag him to the kitchen.

THE END


End file.
